Et pis, j'ai la flegme

Et pour un moment, j'ai perdu l'envie d'partir. C'est des choses qui arrivent, dit-on. Maybe it has something to do with the work I need to finish. I keep on pressing my students to hand in their thing on time, but I'm the one with the pile of project papers, untouched, and who wasted his weekend on his Linux setup. There's also the "other" job on the side which I need to seriously figure out. I need to stick to the library tomorrow. Faut que j'y mette les bouchées doubles.

I've cold sores popping out in my mouth. Rarely have any, only when I'm "stressed" (whatever that means to me - am always in denial). Reasonably I know I want to go, and will be going, but I think it's my defense mechanism kicking in, telling me that I should stay where it's comfortable. And reasonably, there's nothing to worry about. It's not like if I'm going to die. And besides, I have money sitting in my bank: I'm not going to let it waste in savings I will never use. C'est comme un double ou quitte que j'ai devant moi là.

Correcting has been hell. I've started with Ally's paper, and have been stucked there since Friday night. I am now having doubts about just everything, education-wise. I think of myself as one of the less smart kids out there. I passed my degrees with some amount of boulechittage, even though I must've evolved out of it somehow today. But I can't quite understand the amount I am now feeding to my students as their "instructor". But I try to be as honest (it's a contradiction) I can with them, in my infinite goodness. In return (and I'm the one marking), I kinda expect the same from them.

I keep telling myself I'll finish in one single day. One big focused day at the library and perhaps I can be done. But it doesn't make sense to be putting so much time on it... I'll give up answering WebCT for two days, and we'll see how it feels to be me. I just don't want to deal with it, if you ask me at this very moment.

And this relates to how I feel about going. A trip to the end of the world, and almost no-one to share it with... No, that's not true. Well, besides, is it really only about that?

The recurrent dream about being away in Asia, or Hong Kong more specifically hasn't occured for a couple of months already. The last time was when I was in this lost city, doing some tourism, and then getting on a bike and being accosted by shady characters. And it must've been Japan; there was a sake bar-like thing, and then a hotel with geishas walking around (like some sort of Shinra building with... geishas instead). And in the morning it was like one of those dead concrete blocks, halfway like the scenes in Spirited Away... There are also dreams of HK, Chinese food, crowded places and narrow market alleys... or me waiting at the airport in transit... This is all so weird, and so mundane?


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This page contains a single entry by Cedric published on March 6, 2005 10:54 PM.

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